if you feel alive ; ransom

[RANSOM IRIS CARTER]

april 25th, 2010

Is there anything that will fill up the hole that is slowly taking over my soul? I’m always thinking of my life and what has become of it. I want something to show me the inside and outs of this world that I’m trying to live in. I want everything around me to freeze so maybe I can grasp my happiness as is. I’ve been lost for so long. I don’t know what I’m thinking and I don’t know where I’m going. The thought of being stable makes me feel a little off, only because I’m afraid I’ll never be stable. I only feel comfortable in my own bed and I never want to wake up in the morning. When I sit and look at everything around me, I see nothing beautiful. I don’t know what makes me happy and I don’t believe anything does. I have a shining low self esteem that only I can see. No one I know knows how I feel.

[RANSOM IRIS CARTER]

may 21st, 2010

Eleanor inspired me to start putting songs up here that i write in order to get feed back. soo, yeah. (: tell me what you think, guys!

I’m coming home
I’m coming home I hope that you are there
I’m coming home
I swear to god I hope that you are there

Apologize what’s the use for wasting time on this
Cuz we also, criticize everyone like they are all to blame

I know you won’t forget
As long as we both live
We’ll get this story straight
We’ll make it through
I know you won’t forget
As long as we both live
We’ll get this right so come on, come on, come on

I’m coming home
I’m coming home I hope that you are there
I’m coming home
I swear to god I hope that you are there

All those who hate me made me
They gave me reason to stand my ground, to stand up tall
And I can’t wait til I get home to see their faces when I, I prove them wrong

I know you won’t forget
As long as we both live
We’ll get this story straight
We’ll make it through
I know you won’t forget
As long as we both live
We’ll get this right so come on, come on, come on

I’m coming home
I’m coming home I hope that you are there
I’m coming home
I swear to god I hope that you are there

[RANSOM IRIS CARTER]

june 11th, 2010

the only thing i've ever really wanted, has left me. it doesn't feel the greatest, and i hate having to experience it, but it's filling my being with the worst possible feelings towards myself.

i always had self esteem issues; holding tightly onto the negative comments, and brushing the positive ones off like they meant nothing. that's how it's been as long as i can possibly remember. my whole childhood, it was drilled into me that i'm not that great for anything but cooking and cleaning, and as i got older, i came to love those things, but that's because, if you do something or are around someone long enough, you start to enjoy it. i've never seen myself as a likable person, or some one worth spending time with or worrying about, and i really am not. i'm not worth anything. i never have been, and i never will be. i try my best to be kind to everyone, and keep the few friends i do have, but obviously i've failed if the best one thinks that i hate him.

honestly, the last thing i could do is hate someone who had (and still does) spark so much love and good feeling inside of my body. one of the few people that have made me feel wanted in my entire life. i'm so saddened by this uprising opinion of his, that i can't keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes and dropping into my lap. i can't even see what i'm typing anymore. there's makeup all over my cheeks. i've never been so sorry in my whole life. there's never anyone i've ever wanted to be around and talk to my entire life.

i've learned that i cannot do anything correctly, and i've given up all hope. i'm done with myself and my life. i'm sick of my own constant struggle to understand myself and why my life is the way it is. maybe it's karma kicking me in the ass from a past life. i'm unsure, but it hurts, and i just want to be happy, but without you, i never will be. i can't be whole without you, i'm just trying to fill this void; this hole inside of me where you once were.